(Photo by latente on Flickr

I was so busy during the weekend, leaving me with little time to think over what to write for my post today. Then, I saw an email which my friend, Edward, sent to me. Here was what he wrote….

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.

She looked OK for a 61 year-old.

In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

As she put on the hall light, she shouted upstairs: “Mum, you still awake?”

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Okay… if your pulse has been racing along with the story until right before the end, then do take a minute or two to calm down. When you are ready, let’s get down to some discussions.

In all seriousness, the email that was sent to me by Edward was a joke. However, it got me thinking if it illustrates some of the problems that we commonly face in our communications with others or the lack thereof.

“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
George Bernard Shaw quotes (Irish literary Critic, Playwright and Essayist. 1925 Nobel Prize for Literature, 1856-1950)

NLP: The Meaning Of Communication

Communication is a two-way thing. We have perceived notions and often, speak and act through our filters. Communication is both verbal and non-verbal. Even when no words are spoken, communication may have taken place. So a grin, a sigh and the raising of eyebrows can convey certain meaning to us.

We tend to think that other people are like us. In reality, each of us has our own unique internal model of the world. We may all be reading the same book, watching the same show or having the same meal; but because our reference points are all different, our experience are all unique. Without asking and making clarifications, we can draw the wrong conclusions that everyone’s maps are the same. We assume that everyone knows what we are thinking about; when in fact, it is not the case.

During the communication process, what we learn from NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) is that it is important to separate our observations from interpretation. Distinguish the two: keep our observations “pure” to sensory inputs and prevent it spilling over to interpretation.

Observation simply means what you notice with your senses; see, touch, feel, hear and taste.
Interpretation is when you go beyond sensory information gathered and draw a conclusion of some kind.

So where else can we go from here? In NLP, there is a presupposition that says that “The meaning of communication is the response you get”. (A presupposition is a practical set of principle that can help for significant personal and professional growth. It helps make up the theoretical framework underpinning many NLP patterns, change techniques and behavioral models.) The NLP supposition simply means that whatever is going on, we are obliged to take full responsibility for our communications, which means that we do not blame others for not listening or for responding in a way that is not expected. Becoming aware of the response of the recipients help us understand if our communication has been successful or whether we need to make changes to our approach.

Analysis of the Story above

In the story above, Edward made some assumptions. He relied solely on his sensory acuity; the non-verbal part of the communication put out by the lady he met at the bar. He was right in his observations that the lady wanted more action. However, his own desires caused him to make an interpretation.

Edward did not clarify what lucky night meant or who the parties involved might be. He hardly knew the stranger. If he had actually made the attempt to ask the lady at the bar some questions, he might have avoided landing in a situation that he had actually no wish for.

Points for discussion

Here are some points that you can pick for discussion:

1. Do you often rely on your sensory acuity to make a conclusion about the other party you are talking to? Ever made a wrong conclusion, resulting in an misunderstanding?

2. Do you often expect your spouse, family member or friend to mind-read you because “they should know you well”? In your opinion, is it a reasonable expectation?

3. What do you think of the presupposition “The meaning of communication is the response you get”? Should the other party with whom you are in a conversation with, assume 50% of the blame for a communication breakdown? In NLP, the presupposition is a 100% responsibility on our own part to ensure smooth and successful communication, regardless of the other party.

Do share your thoughts, jokes and personal stories in the comments below.