(Photo by latente on Flickr
I was so busy during the weekend, leaving me with little time to think over what to write for my post today. Then, I saw an email which my friend, Edward, sent to me. Here was what he wrote….
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
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In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I have ever had a Sportsman’s Double.
“What’s that?” I asked.
“It’s a mother and daughter threesome!” she exclaimed, giving me a knowing wink.
I shook my head and replied “No.”
I tried my best to look nonchalant. However, secretly inside, I thought it was an exciting idea.
We drank a bit more. Then she told me that tonight was “my lucky night”.
“Oh really?” I said, feigning ignorance as to what she might be suggesting.
I did not bother to ask any further. I could not believe my luck. My throat was already choking in anticipation. I could barely wait.
It was 3a.m. when we left the club. At the pavement outside, we hailed a taxi to her place.
An agonizing ten-minute drive followed.
I tried to make some light conversation but I was not really interested in her answers. Whatever she said simply whizzed past my ears.
The taxi finally stopped and I paid for the cab fare.
We walked up to her apartment.
She unlocked the door.
We stepped right in.
As she put on the hall light, she shouted upstairs: “Mum, you still awake?”
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Okay… if your pulse has been racing along with the story until right before the end, then do take a minute or two to calm down. When you are ready, let’s get down to some discussions.
In all seriousness, the email that was sent to me by Edward was a joke. However, it got me thinking if it illustrates some of the problems that we commonly face in our communications with others or the lack thereof.
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
George Bernard Shaw quotes (Irish literary Critic, Playwright and Essayist. 1925 Nobel Prize for Literature, 1856-1950)
NLP: The Meaning Of Communication
Communication is a two-way thing. We have perceived notions and often, speak and act through our filters. Communication is both verbal and non-verbal. Even when no words are spoken, communication may have taken place. So a grin, a sigh and the raising of eyebrows can convey certain meaning to us.
We tend to think that other people are like us. In reality, each of us has our own unique internal model of the world. We may all be reading the same book, watching the same show or having the same meal; but because our reference points are all different, our experience are all unique. Without asking and making clarifications, we can draw the wrong conclusions that everyone’s maps are the same. We assume that everyone knows what we are thinking about; when in fact, it is not the case.
During the communication process, what we learn from NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) is that it is important to separate our observations from interpretation. Distinguish the two: keep our observations “pure” to sensory inputs and prevent it spilling over to interpretation.
Observation simply means what you notice with your senses; see, touch, feel, hear and taste.
Interpretation is when you go beyond sensory information gathered and draw a conclusion of some kind.
So where else can we go from here? In NLP, there is a presupposition that says that “The meaning of communication is the response you get”. (A presupposition is a practical set of principle that can help for significant personal and professional growth. It helps make up the theoretical framework underpinning many NLP patterns, change techniques and behavioral models.) The NLP supposition simply means that whatever is going on, we are obliged to take full responsibility for our communications, which means that we do not blame others for not listening or for responding in a way that is not expected. Becoming aware of the response of the recipients help us understand if our communication has been successful or whether we need to make changes to our approach.
Analysis of the Story above
In the story above, Edward made some assumptions. He relied solely on his sensory acuity; the non-verbal part of the communication put out by the lady he met at the bar. He was right in his observations that the lady wanted more action. However, his own desires caused him to make an interpretation.
Edward did not clarify what lucky night meant or who the parties involved might be. He hardly knew the stranger. If he had actually made the attempt to ask the lady at the bar some questions, he might have avoided landing in a situation that he had actually no wish for.
Points for discussion
Here are some points that you can pick for discussion:
1. Do you often rely on your sensory acuity to make a conclusion about the other party you are talking to? Ever made a wrong conclusion, resulting in an misunderstanding?
2. Do you often expect your spouse, family member or friend to mind-read you because “they should know you well”? In your opinion, is it a reasonable expectation?
3. What do you think of the presupposition “The meaning of communication is the response you get”? Should the other party with whom you are in a conversation with, assume 50% of the blame for a communication breakdown? In NLP, the presupposition is a 100% responsibility on our own part to ensure smooth and successful communication, regardless of the other party.
Do share your thoughts, jokes and personal stories in the comments below.
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It’s amazing to talk to someone about a movie that you didn’t like and they did. You wonder what they were watching the whole time you were in the theater. That’s the beauty of different perspectives.
When we become more aware of these differences we can stop assuming people see the experience the same way we do. This allows us to just ask what they are feeling. Then a good discussion can begin.
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Hi Karl, I enjoy doing movie reviews and discussions too after watching one. As you’ve pointed out, it’s amazing how different perspectives can differ. Also, I may like a movie but someone else does not. Using the movie example is definitely a good way in showing us how we often view life from different lens.
Love, light and truth,
Evelyn
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Hiccups in conversations happen all the time. As a friend and as a consultant I try to observe, ask questions, and not judge. As a wife, I often do fall into the trap of thinking my husband should “know me well enoughâ€. We are working on this.
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I actually studied communication and negotiation at university. It was one of the best subjects I ever took. I came away with a lot of things from that subject but one particular point I would like to make is that successful communication is “shared meaning”.
Shared meaning always takes two.
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@Stacey, oh yes…I guess it goes with the training and the profession. Glad to know that you are working with your husband on improving the communication between the two of you
@Stephen, what a nice way of explaining successful communication! Love it! Thanks for sharing!
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I really liked that story your friend sent you as an email. Too often, we push this perception of how we expect this other person to perform but that’s just silly. Some of them don’t know our expectations nor our reality in the first place.
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Back when I was in school, we called this the difference between objective and subjective reality. I learned a long time ago that people can’t read my mind, even though I used to think they should “know.”
When I was married to my ex-husband, the difference between what I said and what he thought I said was sometimes extreme. I learned that if it was important, I needed to question him about what he heard before I could assume we were on the same page.
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@Kate, I’m glad that you like the story. I’ve got to confess to adding a few more details to “spice” it up! Yes…the internal maps of others are never the same as ours. So let’s hold our impatience and frustration and realize that there is more than one way of looking at things.
@Dot, thanks for sharing how it was with your ex-husband and about objective and subjective reality. Yes…it may be tedious to be always checking for confirmation. Like how you’ve pointed out that “if it was important”, asking some questions to ensure being on the same page can be extremely helpful.
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If this could happen, even in a joke, on a face to face situation, imagine what happens in written communications when the body language and facial expressions do not aid in the understanding. In blog comments for instance, very often attempts at humor are not taken to be as such and are taken seriously causing quite a bit of unpleasantness.
It is a very complicated process this effective communication business. I have found it to be effective to be just natural and honest in whatever it is that I wish to convey to others. I also ask for clarifications when I find it disturbing when the other person is saying something.
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I used to expect Ido to read my mind. I know better now. When I want something, I just tell him. It makes life so much easier.
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I am tutoring a young man with a hearing problem (his focus seems fine). Fairly often he will correct a mis-statement I didn’t make. There are a lot of ways to mis-understand each other.
When my wife and I got married, I informed her that I would listen to what she said but “I don’t read minds”. It seems to have worked … on Dec. 1 of this year we will have been married for 8 years, on January 1 we will own our house outright.
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Hi Evelyn: I have a postgraduate degree in mediation and one of the most important lessons I learned is that a lot of conflict isn’t really about the underlying issue, but about the way in which the two parties are communicating with each other. And the ending to the story caught me by surprise, I thought he was going to get mugged
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My husband and I learned early that we are not mind readers for each other, so now it is just a joke between us, as in this oldie, “I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”
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Hi Evelyn,
I chuckled at the conclusion of the story, but I had to wonder: what if the mum is a hot and sexy babe? I can ask this question because (last I heard) I know that Marjorie Newlin is in her mid-80s, does body building, and looks incredibly fit and attractive for her age.
Your depiction of the 61 year-old is also telling. Do all 61 year-old females necessarily look like this? I’ve seen some who look 20 to 30 years younger. They’re in great shape, have a wonderful lust for life, and more than likely enjoy active, passionate sex lives.
My point is this: we can make all the assumptions we want, but in the end, it’s reality that counts. If we can continue to juggle the need for certainty with a willingness to stay open to new facts and experiences, then we can also keep our assumptions up to date.
For me, this is what strong, flexible, and effective communication is all about: keeping our assumptions up to date, and assuming 100% responsibility for doing so.
Christopher
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rummuser, you made a very good point about blog commenting. Not just with attempts at humor, sometimes it can be difficult to decipher the underlying intentions of the other blogger if a comment comes across very strongly. It is always a good idea to seek clarifications.
Me too. I prefer a more direct and honest approach in communication. I only add humor when I know the other blogger well enough to know that he or she will not misread what I have to say.
Love, light and truth,
Evelyn
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@Vered, I think so too
It’s best to be clear if it is important enough!
@Bill, it’s nice that your sessions with the hearing-impaired guy is making you appreciate the importance of clear and effective communication. Congrats, too, about your house!
@Marelisa, interesting that you said that. I find that true in my case. For me, the underlying issue often figures only very little in the communication breakdown. It is when I bring my filters, perceptions and past grievances in, that starts to cause problems.
You’ve suggested another possible ending to the story. Hope you enjoyed the one I have here though
@Lori, thanks for sharing your often used statement. I absolutely love it!! Mind if I borrow it?
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Christopher,
You are right. An 81-year old woman can be sexy too and may well look much better or have a lot more stamina (*gasp*) than any woman younger.
You mean you don’t find the picture of the 61-year old hot? Well…it is true that she may not conform to a general standard of how a fantastic shape should look like….but it is also possible that she has a lust for life and lead an active sex life (since she hangs out in a bar)!!
What’s most important, I feel, is that looks-wise, she appeals to the main character in the story. Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder!! Also, how do you know for sure that the main character does not look much worse than the 61 year-old?
In all seriousness, the picture of her came with the email joke. The only thing I did to the story was to add more details to make it more exciting.
Good for you. I like the fact that you agree that 100% responsibility for a smooth and successful communication lies with you!! Relationships can only deepen much more when we learn to take responsibility.
Love, light and truth,
Evelyn
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Loved the story. Funny yet with a learning. I totally agree the responsibility for 100% communication lies 100% with us. To leave even 1% to the other party would leave too much space for assumptions, incorrect expectations and finger pointing.
I am prone to ask a lot of questions beginning with ‘Just to be clear …’ which have obvious answers. This helps in not making assumptions.
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Avani,
Thanks for liking the story that I shared here. I love the idea of using and adapting a story, to illustrate some key points for learning. I do it with my kids every now and then before bedtime too. I spin a yarn, and make it relevant for them.
You’ve just impressed me with saying that leaving even 1% is out of the question for you. I think it is great that you always ask a lot of questions for clarification! You’ve got a wonderful sense of reason and balance!
Love, light and truth,
Evelyn
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I’m always amazed by how much easier it is to share when there’s rapport, and how much tougher it is to share when there’s a lack of rapport.
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Hi Evelyn,
I like your spirited response, but here’s the thing.
The glamorous old hag in the story is butt ugly. If the woman in the threesome is her mum, then the implication is that the mum will be even uglier. This is integral to the joke, and we laugh in spite of ourselves because we all know just how ugly the oldest of the old can be. These nasty little assumptions, however, are neatly and deftly covered over by the humor aimed straight at the guy because he didn’t have the sense to question the real deal. So, really, both the guys and the gals are skewered in this story, which levels the playing field for both the guys and the gals. You might call it equal opportunity humor in the age of PC.
Of course, in reality, all spiritually aware persons know that most everyone is deserving of compassion, regardless of how they look, talk, walk, or dress.
Even glamorous old hags with dazzling tops.
Love, light, and truth, indeed *all smiles*
Christopher
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Thank you for this post! I must be honest and tell you that I’d heard the joke before – but you – or Edward – told it much better!
I believe that most people claim they want to be heard; hence they speak in such a manner. Though I am NO master, I have learned, through over 20 years of teaching that I DON’T want to be heard – I want to be LISTENED TO. As I can’t possibly be aware of others’ preconceptions at all times, I CAN do my best to choose my words carefully. Writer Dad pokes occasional fun at me if I comment without a capitalized word. I don’t capitalize when I write for the purpose of yelling. I capitalize for the purpose of EMPHASIS. He gets that.
Rita
Rita
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I find this fascinating…I have a Master’s degree in communication and I am all too aware of gaps and breakdown’s in communication. Still I find myself trying to mind read from time to time. I have learned from experience not to “assume”. Great post!
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Ha ha that email was so funny!
I’ve learned to tell Frank what I want, and not expect him to think of it for himself. Things go much more smoothly now, because he often wants to do what I want – so I get exactly what I want, though not in the way I anticipated!
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@J.D. Meier, building rapport is definitely key to a successful communication.
@Christopher, I can see the possibility of the 61-year old having inner beauty, appealing to some men; even while she might not appear attractive. For one thing, I personally have older friends or aunts, who don’t look all that fantastic. One, in fact, has a taste similar to the picture depicted here.
I don’t view these friends or aunts with compassion; but go to them because they have got other beautiful qualities which make them attractive. Having said that, I realize that where I am coming from will be different from the perspective of a guy who is hoping to get lucky for the night.
@Rita, ahem….isn’t it true that the storyteller makes a whole lot of difference to the tale being told? I’m glad that you like the version here.
No one likes to be just heard. All of us wants to be listened to. I also realize that in order for others to listen to us, we must first listen to others.
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@Caroline, we all fall into the trap of jumping into conclusions. Sometimes, it is our ego telling ourselves that we already know what the other person is thinking about. I agree with you that it’s good not to always “assume”. Getting a confirmation every now and then and even with someone we are familiar with, will be helpful indeed.
@Robin, thanks for enjoying the story. It’s great that you are very specific in your needs with Frank. Leaving what you need to him to figure out can lead to interpretation problems, something that you clearly want to avoid.
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Evelyn
That’s a funny story and well illustrates the point that perception is all too important in communication. MusicMan and I have struggled over the years in this area, mostly because beliefs about what the other might be saying get heard rather than the actual words themselves. In terms of who assumes responsibility for communication, I guess it is 100% for the speaker, but what that means is you may well have to check and re-check what the other person is hearing. And in some emotional situations, you may even have to come back later when they are more amenable to the discussion.
Why are human beings so complicated?
Kelly
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Hee hee. Very funny story!
My communications “break downs” tend to occur because I believe what someone tells me – even when their behavior clearly indicates something entirely different. I don’t necessarily think people are consciously dishonest – but sometimes what they say and how they act just don’t align. Unfortunately, I tend to let “words speak louder than actions” – it gets me into trouble just about every time. So, if anything, I need to listen less, observe more.
Great food for thought – thank you!
Blessings,
Andrea
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Kelly, I know what you mean. When emotions get high and preconceived notions get in the way, it is difficult to sieve out the actual message that each of you are hoping to get across.
The NLP supposition is one that challenges you to take charge and to master the skills of successful communication. Yes, ideally, you should always recheck if the other person understood what you are trying to convey.
It will be wise to get emotions out of the way for effective communication. Negative emotions can well be an indication of your darkest fears. When you try to talk while in the state of fear, there is a chance that you will not get a favorable outcome from your conversation.
I guess this is where the learning is for us. A breakdown in communication is a way to letting us know what we are really experiencing: fear, insecurity, doubt, worry, unworthiness, etc. If we can spot that and transcend above it, we bring about self growth.
Love, light and truth,
Evelyn
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Well, I certainly made the same assumption that he did. In fact I thought you were about to get more bawdy with us.
I like this supposition idea. 100% responsibility on the communicator would certainly make things much easier for all.
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Fun story!
In all of the jobs I have had, which have always been sales.service related- it is critical to be able to dicipher between what a pserson SAYS and what they MEAN.
Sadly, some people aren’t always that in touch with what they mean or deeply feel, so asking questions helps them to become more clear for themselves about what is important to them. Taking someone’s words at face value instantly and adding in your own assumptions is dangerous to a relationship and downright disasterous to business!
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My wife recently requested that I stop speaking in Filipino because ever time I do, we always end up mis-communicating. It’s weird how some times we think we are very clear but the person we are speaking to still mis-understands us.
I guess the problem lies in the fact that instead of thinking how our message is being received,we become more focused on our own personal and intimate intentions.
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What a great story Evelyn!
I cannot agree with you more on how important communication is in our day to day life. So many problems, so many unnecessary situations and more could be avoided through proper communication.
But for some reason in our society we leave a lot left unsaid and then we wonder when issues arise…
From parenting and marriages to friendships and work – proper communication can either break it or make it in all of these cases.
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Laughter is good medicine and this was just a perfect remedy for me today. Thank you for sharing the email and the insight.
My youngest child can not “read” people. She can not understand a movie without the laugh track or adventurous music. I needed to create lots of learning situations to help her get along in the world and not be taken advantage of by peers.
I like how you explained the difference between observation and interpretation. And have found this crucial in my counseling practice and working with troubled kids and their parents.
Good writing and I love to learn new things, which I did here -Thank you
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Evelyn – Fantastic illustration of what can go wrong in communication! Relationships are a sticky matter. It seems it is always hard to be sure you are understanding the other person correctly. It takes time, persistence, and patience!
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@Andrea, thanks for sharing!! I’m the opposite. I guess because I operate from a (the creative, feeling, and the sensing) Type 4 Enneagram, communication that comes to me is mostly the non-verbal parts. I cannot hear the words if my sensing gets in the way. In this case, what I really need to learn is to listen more and react or respond less until I get more clarity.
@Tom, get bawdy? But…but…I’m always been so proper!!
@Wendi-Kelly, yes it is true. I can relate to that myself. When I am not clear in what I have to say, the words that come out are really not what I mean. I almost always end up in an undesirable outcome.
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@chris, you’ve shared an interesting point that speaking a different language can create a set of communication problems. Agreed! We tend to be so involved in the personal dramas going on in our head that we can forget about how or whether the messages we are conveying are being received properly.
@Evita, your comment reminded me of how important it is to say “I love you” to my loved ones. These three words alone are very powerful and should never be left unsaid.
@Patricia, thank you for enjoying the joke and finding that there is a lesson to be learned through this post! Early intervention does help. I believe that with patience and determination, it is possible to teach your child in adapting to the real world. Take care!!
@Jeff, thanks for liking the illustration here. Having relationships definitely creates learning opportunities for growth! It can be that we choose to walk away from one but if we decide to stay, there is a chance to develop the qualities of patience, persistence and compassion, as you’ve mentioned!
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Wahahah! I can’t say I expected to find a story like this on a personal development blog. Nice one
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Hi Evelyn – What a great story to start your post off with. One thing I learned long time ago was to never assume the other person knows what I mean or think I always know what they mean. I’ve put my foot in my mouth way too many times and have learned to ask questions if I’m at all uncertain.
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@Albert, don’t you think that it is a good idea to tell a story that captures attention for the purpose of bringing our intended message across? My motto is let’s lighten up even if there is something serious to share. Glad that you enjoyed the story.
@Barbara, I have been as guilty too! That is why I can totally relate to the message in this post. Always ask questions if in doubt. Leave little to the imagination and interpretation, as far as possible!
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All the time I look at my kids now and say- Right now what you are doing makes me upset.
Often they look right at me as if to say Whatttt?? Really???
And I nod. They get it.
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I can see I am late to the party…and from the photo above quite a party indeed. The point you made though is well worth asking…
I heard a woman say the other day…
“Be resposible for the energy you bring to people”
I was thinking when you asked how often do we assume others will know what we mean? Sometimes others may know more what we are about by our energy than we are presenty aware of ourselves! (just a weird twist of thought.)
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I had mixed feelings about the story. Yes, I saw the humor in it, but I was also bothered by the ageism and lack of compassion. Humor is tricky. Just another example of how tricky communication can be.
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I grew up in a highly sensitive family and have often been a victim of “you did not say it, but we know” treatment.
This has been so hard on me since I have been misunderstood a lot ….but over the years I have made an effort to talk more and put my thoughts across. It has certainly helped!
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LMAO Evelyn – that really was a huge misunderstanding.
I misunderstand what people say often. Nowadays with letters – especially if the tone doesn’t seem so nice, I make sure I read them twice.
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okay i was getting all ready for that story, i don’t think i took a breath until i realized it wasn’t real.
yes i expect no. 2. i like when people know me well enough that i can just give them a look and everything has been said. i love nonverbal communication and the verbal kind too, often the one i misinterpret.
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Hi Evelyn and all,
This is my first appearance here. I just discovered this blog, and what a pleasant discovery it is!
You had me completely suckered with the story. It does make a beautiful illustration of how easy it is to misunderstand the meaning of what someone is trying to convey.
Having been raised in town but having country friends, I often found differences in understanding between the two groups. For example, one joke about a farmer I found hilarious, (too long for here
) went over the heads of most of my friends in town.
I’ve also been involved in sales of some king for most of my life and have come to understand the importance of making sure your prospective customer is getting the message you intend to convey.
I really enjoyed the whole post, not just the joke. Very creative in using the story to illustrate a point and make it interesting.
Duane
Be Happy Now.
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Evelyn – first off, funny story!
Back to the questions at hand – I think that too often I don’t separate observations from interpretations. And I can see that by separating them, we can better interpret them. Regarding spouses, I think that the longer you are together (really together) the more you understand your spouse. My wife has an uncanny ability to seem to know what I’m going to say, or what I’m thinking. Me – I’m not as good about figuring her out – but I’m much better than when we first met. Still, I’m not sure that we should expect them to be able to mind-read us. We are all unique individuals.
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@Dr Carson, thanks for sharing! I can just imagine the scene with you and your kids…lol!!
@Harmony, better late than never…lol!! Hey…you just thought me a very powerful phrase “be responsible for the energy you bring to people”. I like that!!
@Jean, I’d agree that humor is tricky. I refrain from judging the man in the story. Neither do I think that the picture of the woman is really “ugly”. But I laugh because the story is a reflection of how our mind works and how misinterpretations can lead us to problems. It is a case of laughing at myself.
@Maya, good for you. I’ve also always had difficult expressing myself with words too. But I find that I cannot continue assuming that others will know my thoughts, if I do not learn to verbalize them.
@Cath, I’d say that reading articles on the web can be a tricky business too. It’s always a good idea to clarify the intent or think that there are more than one way to looking at a single thing.
@natural, thanks for being so honest about what you like in your communications with others….lol!!
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@Duane, welcome to my blog. Thanks for sharing some of your personal insights. Yes, certain messages are better received by others. We have to tweak our delivery, so that the recipients really get what we mean. Thanks, too, for liking this post! Do consider subscribing to my blog feeds for interesting updates
@Lance, lucky you to have a wife who is able to read you
Communication breakdowns have accounted for many divorces that we see around. It is a good idea to spend time learning the art of skilful communication, leaving little to misinterpretations.
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