(Photo by latente on Flickr
I was so busy during the weekend, leaving me with little time to think over what to write for my post today. Then, I saw an email which my friend, Edward, sent to me. Here was what he wrote….
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
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In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I have ever had a Sportsman’s Double.
“What’s that?” I asked.
“It’s a mother and daughter threesome!” she exclaimed, giving me a knowing wink.
I shook my head and replied “No.”
I tried my best to look nonchalant. However, secretly inside, I thought it was an exciting idea.
We drank a bit more. Then she told me that tonight was “my lucky night”.
“Oh really?” I said, feigning ignorance as to what she might be suggesting.
I did not bother to ask any further. I could not believe my luck. My throat was already choking in anticipation. I could barely wait.
It was 3a.m. when we left the club. At the pavement outside, we hailed a taxi to her place.
An agonizing ten-minute drive followed.
I tried to make some light conversation but I was not really interested in her answers. Whatever she said simply whizzed past my ears.
The taxi finally stopped and I paid for the cab fare.
We walked up to her apartment.
She unlocked the door.
We stepped right in.
As she put on the hall light, she shouted upstairs: “Mum, you still awake?”
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Okay… if your pulse has been racing along with the story until right before the end, then do take a minute or two to calm down. When you are ready, let’s get down to some discussions.
In all seriousness, the email that was sent to me by Edward was a joke. However, it got me thinking if it illustrates some of the problems that we commonly face in our communications with others or the lack thereof.
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
George Bernard Shaw quotes (Irish literary Critic, Playwright and Essayist. 1925 Nobel Prize for Literature, 1856-1950)
NLP: The Meaning Of Communication
Communication is a two-way thing. We have perceived notions and often, speak and act through our filters. Communication is both verbal and non-verbal. Even when no words are spoken, communication may have taken place. So a grin, a sigh and the raising of eyebrows can convey certain meaning to us.
We tend to think that other people are like us. In reality, each of us has our own unique internal model of the world. We may all be reading the same book, watching the same show or having the same meal; but because our reference points are all different, our experience are all unique. Without asking and making clarifications, we can draw the wrong conclusions that everyone’s maps are the same. We assume that everyone knows what we are thinking about; when in fact, it is not the case.
During the communication process, what we learn from NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) is that it is important to separate our observations from interpretation. Distinguish the two: keep our observations “pure” to sensory inputs and prevent it spilling over to interpretation.
Observation simply means what you notice with your senses; see, touch, feel, hear and taste.
Interpretation is when you go beyond sensory information gathered and draw a conclusion of some kind.
So where else can we go from here? In NLP, there is a presupposition that says that “The meaning of communication is the response you get”. (A presupposition is a practical set of principle that can help for significant personal and professional growth. It helps make up the theoretical framework underpinning many NLP patterns, change techniques and behavioral models.) The NLP supposition simply means that whatever is going on, we are obliged to take full responsibility for our communications, which means that we do not blame others for not listening or for responding in a way that is not expected. Becoming aware of the response of the recipients help us understand if our communication has been successful or whether we need to make changes to our approach.
Analysis of the Story above
In the story above, Edward made some assumptions. He relied solely on his sensory acuity; the non-verbal part of the communication put out by the lady he met at the bar. He was right in his observations that the lady wanted more action. However, his own desires caused him to make an interpretation.
Edward did not clarify what lucky night meant or who the parties involved might be. He hardly knew the stranger. If he had actually made the attempt to ask the lady at the bar some questions, he might have avoided landing in a situation that he had actually no wish for.
Points for discussion
Here are some points that you can pick for discussion:
1. Do you often rely on your sensory acuity to make a conclusion about the other party you are talking to? Ever made a wrong conclusion, resulting in an misunderstanding?
2. Do you often expect your spouse, family member or friend to mind-read you because “they should know you well”? In your opinion, is it a reasonable expectation?
3. What do you think of the presupposition “The meaning of communication is the response you get”? Should the other party with whom you are in a conversation with, assume 50% of the blame for a communication breakdown? In NLP, the presupposition is a 100% responsibility on our own part to ensure smooth and successful communication, regardless of the other party.
Do share your thoughts, jokes and personal stories in the comments below.
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Hi,
Yes, to all three discussion questions! I always think my husband should read my mind! Ha. If I actually used words more there might be less arguing on what he’s supposed to be doing….
Laughed all the way through the story and did not see the end coming.
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Oh, Evelyn! That’s a funny story.
My poor husband knows that he’s supposed to read my mind. He just hasn’t figured it out yet.
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@Rachel, I am glad that you’ve enjoyed the joke and found the ending unexpected.
@Pink Ink, hmmm…will it help if you explain in words how your mind works to him? It may just reduce misunderstandings and misinterpretations, as this joke is meant to illustrate.
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I have always believed that communication is the one single most important ingredient to successful relationships. I feel that, with proper communication, there is no problem that is to great that any relationship can not endure. Too strong or unrealistic? I don’t think so.
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Clem, thanks for sharing your view. Most definitely, communication is key to successful relationships. Some of my friends are divorcing over all kinds of reasons but the lack of communication and understanding is often cited as the root cause!
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I met a senior citizen man in Matnog, Sorsogon look likes 40 but is real age is 61. His secret eating to much vegetables and lots of exercises with no vises like cigarette and alcohol. 107 year old man look like 60 in a forest tip of Lake Buhi, Camarines Sur home of the smallest commercial fish in the world. He told me with my American fellow Latter Day Saint (Missionaries) in 1997. We done arm wrestling the old man is so strong. Living in pollution free, eating lots of vegetables and fish only lots of omega-3. Noice pollution only the sound of the rushing water from the falls, [song of birds, insects and other creatures] Eating lots of sweet potatoes. My Korean friend 52 years old look like 40 still sexy and cute. My mom 58 looks like 45 and me turning 33 this June looks like 23. Korean students thought I’m just finished in college cos in Korea 22 graduation age for 4-years course (Korean call it 4-year major). I eat lots of carrots, eat vegetables, fruits, fish and nutritious foods. I eat meat sparingly. I’m a sportsman. Play sports of any kind and stay 95% optimist thinking in my life. Staying happy and serving people and I love my critics and the people who hates me I forgave them. “When I do good I feel good. ” -Franklin Roosevelt . I do appreciate thy blog coz they are so meaningful. In your photo you look like an eighteen years old university girl. Thank you very much! God bless you. God speed the right.
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